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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23306365">Fratricide (on hiatus)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hetalia: Axis Powers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Coming of Age, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Non-Graphic Violence, Toxic Masculinity, Trans Male Character, some light prussia/france</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:42:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23306365</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>he hadn't meant to kill his brother he hadn't mean't to hurt him he did not love his brother but he did not want him to die</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this was originally published anonymously, and then I published it on wattpad (still am btw) but now I am finally publishing it here too. as for this chapter, tw for minor violence and an angry man yelling</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw: non graphic violence but in a domestic setting i guess, oh and an angry man yelling</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I hate you"</p><p>Ludwig growls, he pushes Gilbert into the wall,  Gilbert falls with a loud, angry thud</p><p>Ludwig is angry of course he is angry, he knows nothing but how to be angry, Ludwig is yelling and pushing Gilbert around,  Gilbert is angry because he doesn't like being pushed around, but Gilbert is too old to push Ludwig back anymore </p><p>"I hate you I hate you"</p><p>Ludwig is going to leave him alone again, he does that, he comes back, then he leaves angry again,  then some time later he will come back again, then he will leave again, when that will be Gilbert does not know could be years, could just be weeks </p><p>"You ruined my life"</p><p>Gilbert as an old man is soft and weak,  he knows Ludwig has every right to hate him for what he has done, he has turned Ludwig from a soft child into a colorless man, he pushed him around so no one would </p><p>Gilbert did it because he loved him and that was the only way Gilbert knew how to love </p><p>"I wish you would die"</p><p>Gilbert let Ludwig vent his frustration, he smiles because he knows Ludwig is a man now,  Ludwig will never be pushed around by anyone ever again not Gilbert or anyone else, he does wish he would move on because he wants to remove himself from the wall and make lunch because he's hungry, and because his nose is bleeding and its getting on his clothes and Gilbert wants to keep those nice, he just bought those clothes  </p><p>"I was just a child"</p><p>Gilbert feels only a little guilt he wants Ludwig to go now go on move on </p><p>Luddy...Luddy you must have somewhere to go or some place to be you must be wasting time here, why do you waste time here, Luddy you are a young man you should be seeing the world, why are you wasting your time on an old man who can never muster enough strength to give you the fight you want and deserve </p><p>"I never want to see you again"</p><p>Ludwig shoves him one last time, and then he leaves for what he says is forever, but what Gilbert knows is just a matter of time before he comes back again.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning for neglectful parents and death, also some violence.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig wasn't supposed to be born, no one wanted Ludwig but then again no one wanted Gilbert either, no one wanted either kids, not their mother their fathers not the world </p><p>Nobody</p><p>It just happened like that</p><p>Gilbert knew as soon as he could know anything that he wasn't wanted he would watch mothers with their sons and daughters jamming hats onto their heads in the freezing weather and saying be back soon!</p><p>Gilbert's mom never said that because if Gilbert froze it made no difference to her one less mouth to feed was all, and who couldn't use a little extra food these days? </p><p>Gilbert longed to be welcomed by the other children but since his mother didn't want him they caught on, if not even his mother could love him how could they? </p><p>He grew up skinny, cheeks sunken, ribs poking out, his stomach always growling with hunger, and no one batted an eye because no one cared no one cared about Gilbert </p><p>They wouldn't care about Ludwig either and it would just stay that way forever </p><p>It just happened like that</p><p>Gilbert had no friends growing up because no one wanted him around, but he liked to fight the boy across the street, Gilbert would pick fights with him because, he talked funny and his hair was long like a girl, and he was lonely too</p><p>"You look like a girl" Gilbert said and he would laugh and laugh</p><p>And Toris would get so angry his eyes would be cold and his face would turn red and he would clench his fist</p><p>"You fight like one too I bet" Gilbert liked to taunt Toris in some strange way it made him feel stronger</p><p>And then Toris would throw the first punch and then Gilbert would throw the other until they were both exhausted and decide to go home</p><p>No one cared about Toris either</p><p>When he and Toris weren't fighting they would talk </p><p>Gilbert didn't need or want friends, Toris wanted friends but had none</p><p>It was a strange friendship </p><p>One day Gilbert came round to fight, Toris was with someone else, a smaller boy, the smaller boy was blond but they looked alike same nose same eyebrows, they must be related there was no other way they could look so alike </p><p>Toris told the younger boy to go inside, and then Gilbert noticed Toris had cut his hair short Gilbert came prepared for a brawl, but this time Toris made the first move and broke his nose </p><p>Gilbert didn't come around there anymore </p><p>It just happened like that</p><p>When Ludwig came along Gilbert was already twelve and already Gilbert had learned the inns and outs of the world, he had punched and kicked his way into an inner circle of other kids, through sheer might he made people respect him </p><p>Two of them were the closest he could ever come to best friends </p><p>Francis always dressed well, he never let himself get dirty he always said he used to be a rich boy but then all the money ran out so now he's poor but he still had the clothes yeah he still had those and he needed to take care of them, Francis wasn't like Gilbert, and Gilbert thought he was kind of a snob, Francis wasn't of this neighborhood he was from somewhere else  </p><p>And Gilbert envied him </p><p>Then there was Antonio who always wore his big hat over his head jammed onto his head by his mother like many other people who have mothers who care if their sons heads get cold, he was sort of a mama's boy, but it was easy to push him around and he never tried to push Gilbert back </p><p>So Gilbert appreciated him </p><p>It just happened like that</p><p>No one wanted Ludwig to be born, just another mouth to feed Gilbert didn't want Ludwig to be born either but he was born anyway</p><p>It just happened like that</p><p>So Ludwig was born and from the very beginning Ludwig was different, he craved affection and attention, he expected to be wanted, Gilbert wasn't like, that Gilbert was never like that, Gilbert did not understand where Ludwig got that from</p><p>Where is she?, Ludwig asked staring at the window trying to see if he could find his mother somewhere in the empty street, Where is she?</p><p>Gilbert sneered, "With her boyfriend because she doesn't give a damn about us"</p><p>It just happened like that</p><p>Gilbert was seventeen when their Mother died, how she died doesn't matter because she wasn't around enough to matter to them or anyone, Gilbert did not care when she died just like she did not care when he was born</p><p>But Ludwig cried when his mother died, he cried as Gilbert led him to the casket, and Gilbert could never understand why because if his Mother never cared about Gilbert, she had cared even less about Ludwig </p><p>And Gilbert never cried because he knew no one cared about him, he knew that you can't let other people see you cry, and he knew that the only way to get by was to elbow your way into safety, and that always involved using your fists </p><p>That was why Gilbert fancied himself a man... </p><p>As Gilbert watched Ludwig cry, he was thinking a plan up in his mind yes, Gilbert thought, yes I will shape him into a man who doesn't get pushed around by nobody and who doesn't cry... Yes his Luddy will never cry and he will never get pushed around, he will fight back, and he will be a man</p><p>And for the first time Gilbert felt love for his brother </p><p>It just happened... like that.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig watches the small group of children who are all ahead of him, walking very fast, he knows them, they know him, but he is not their friend</p><p>Ludwig knows each of their names, they know Ludwig's, but they are still not friends, no one wants to be friends with Ludwig, even though he desperately wants to reach out to them, he just can't bring himself to do it yet, he's too shy and they would not want to be friends with him anyway</p><p>The other kids whisper, they look at him, they shake their heads, and Ludwig feels something awful in the pit of his stomach because he can not hear what they were saying but he assumes it's nothing good...</p><p>He's only following them because he doesn't know the way to school yet, it's only his third day, the kids know the way to school, Ludwig could never say that because the kids would have laughed at him and called him stupid</p><p>Yet the solemn gates of the school are growing closer, with each step Ludwig feels smaller and smaller, the streets are quiet at this time... so quiet and dark, no one is around </p><p>It rained the night before Ludwig resists the urge to jump rain puddles, his brother told him not to do because Ludwig is too old to jump over rain puddles, Ludwig listens because he does not want to disappoint Gilbert </p><p>The gates are much closer now, the other children are farther away, Ludwig feels the butterflies in his stomach again, that's what Gilbert calls them, butterflies are the creatures in his stomach that make him anxious, they were the ones who make him hold onto Gilbert's leg like a cat whenever other people are around </p><p>"Those butterflies" Gilbert said as he would shake Ludwig off, "are nasty and you need to squash them"</p><p>Ludwig has only seen butterflies in photographs, but Ludwig decides that he likes butterflies, because they are pretty and colorful,  so he does not want to squash them...he does not know why they decided to make a home in his stomach though</p><p>Maybe some butterflies were good, and some butterflies were bad </p><p>His attention shifts to school, Ludwig might have liked school had it not been for the people in his class who were loud and liked to make fun of him, Ludwig's face would burn with embarrassment and every one would laugh at him</p><p>He would shrink away and not say another word for the rest of the day, and that's how all 2 days had gone so far, he hopes today won't be like that, today might be different, and he might be able to look at more of those big books with the big pictures </p><p>Yes, Ludwig likes school but school does not seem to like him back, he likes learning but he isn't any good at it... but he liked books, the big ones with the big pictures of bees, flowers, and butterflies, he could stare at them all day and never get tired of looking at them, not once </p><p>The pictures would chase away the nasty thoughts he did not want to think</p><p>Butterflies are nasty creatures</p><p>He shudders, he would do anything to get rid of that thought  </p><p>Squash them</p><p>Ludwig doesn't think he could ever squash a butterfly, but he does wish the butterflies in his stomach could go away, he is walking through the gates now, head low, hoping no one will see him, then when he feels safe he looks one last time at the sky, back at those kids, at the sky, quietly he prays</p><p>'Please can I have a friend</p><p>Please</p><p>Because all I have are butterflies.'</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw for light internalized homophobia</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Francis is pretty, way too pretty Gilbert thinks to himself, it annoys him, it irritates him, it drives him crazy because Gilbert knows he isn't supposed to notice yet he does</p><p>Gilbert doesn't go to school anymore he thinks it's a waste of his time but he needs money for him and Ludwig to live so he goes to work, mostly as a laborer because that's what's hiring boys who should be in school these days</p><p>Francis and Antonio go to school though</p><p>Gilbert doesn't know why Francis goes to school, it's not like he has to but he knows Antonio goes because his mother tells him to, Gilbert doesn't have a mother to tell him to go to school anymore not that his mother gave out free advice when she was around</p><p>They walk through the half lit streets, Gilbert keeps stealing glances at Francis, who is prettier than any boy has a right to be</p><p>Boys aren't supposed to be pretty Gilbert reminds himself</p><p>Gilbert knows that he himself is not pretty but he knows Francis is, even though Gilbert doesn't think he's supposed to be, Francis has long blond hair which is always tied back in a pony tail, it reminds Gilbert of Toris when they were young and scrappy... except Toris's hair is brown and it's short now </p><p>He thinks of Toris, because he passes by Toris's house to get to work, Toris still lives there even all of these years later </p><p>Francis's eyes were blue and more than that when he laughed hoarsely it was like a tinkling of bells was rising from his throat, he laughed often and well Gilbert doesn't look at him today, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to think about how Francis is so indescribably beautiful</p><p>His thoughts are so distant, and so preoccupied that Gilbert doesn't notice that it's time for Antonio and Francis to go down another street, they live right next to each other but Gilbert lives a few houses down</p><p>"Gil" Francis taps him on the shoulder "Gil" Gilbert looks up, "What?" he snaps then he sees Antonio looking at him expectantly. "Oh, good night" Gilbert is useless like that, boys aren't supposed to be pretty, Francis isn't supposed to be pretty, and Gilbert isn't supposed to notice </p><p>Gilbert watches as Antonio and Francis walk away, as he walks toward his own house he tries hard not to think about things he isn't supposed to think about </p><p>Boys aren't supposed to be pretty, what gives Francis the right </p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig has a friend now so he thinks, Ludwig has never had a friend before but this isn't exactly how he expected getting a friend to be like</p><p>It all started one day when Abel was new, that mean't Ludwig wasn't the newest one anymore, but Ludwig was new enough and everyone thought he was weird enough that he didn't have friends</p><p>Ludwig watched Abel out of the corner of his eye, he didn't expect to be friends but he couldn't stop hoping that maybe Abel would... maybe he wouldn't think he was weird, if Abel was also weird</p><p>Ludwig learned few things watching Abel, that Abel's face was stern, that he was tall, and he wore strange clothes that smelled funny, Ludwig hasn't ever smelled that smell before but that was all he learned from just watching him, Abel was secretive and quiet </p><p>The other kids had been whispering about it from the moment Abel walked into the room, before everyone knew his name was Abel, Abel didn't look at them though, he didn't try to defend himself, he didn't look at anyone he just sits at his desk and does what he's supposed to do </p><p>Still there are whispers, after Abel is introduced to the class when everyone learned his name is Abel </p><p>Ludwig keeps looking up from his paper, and then at Abel every so often, he tries not to stare for too long because he doesn't want to freak him out but he observes him from a distance</p><p>Ludwig stares at Abel, then his paper which normally he would find interesting because it's about dirt, Ludwig likes anything that has to do with dirt especially if things are living in it, but the idea of having a friend interests him more, he looks back at his paper, then at Abel and then suddenly Abel turns his head and now he's staring at him</p><p>Ludwig feels very embarrassed, Abel looks annoyed</p><p>And when it's time for everyone to go into the school yard, and for Ludwig to read about butterflies Abel stays at his desk still he doesn't go with the others Ludwig brings the book of butterflies to his own desk, then while the teacher isn't looking Abel turns to him, he gets in close, so close that Ludwig can see every detail of Abel's face </p><p>"Why were you looking at me?" Abel snaps, his eyes narrowed at Ludwig </p><p>Ludwig looks away, embarrassed "Well you see... I..." he isn't sure what to say exactly, how to go about explaining...</p><p>Abel huffs "Well I don't like people who look at me" he crosses his arms</p><p>Ludwig gulps. "I-I'm sorry" Ludwig holds on tightly to the book of butterflies, "It's just your new, and I thought..." </p><p>"Forget whatever you thought, I hate when people look at me, I know what they're thinking about me... and I know it isn't good" Abel's voice is icy and distant, then he moves away from Ludwig's face, which Ludwig is very grateful for. </p><p>"So why don't you go and stare at your little friends and not a loser like me"</p><p>And then Abel goes back to his desk, he puts his head down </p><p>Ludwig feels sorry for Abel, he knows what it's like not to have friends, he goes over to Abel's desk</p><p> "I...I don't have friends either" </p><p>Abel looks up at him and Ludwig notices his eyes are puffy, has he been crying? Ludwig wants to cry sometimes, but Ludwig has told him crying is no good and so he tells Abel "No... no, don't cry, crying isn't good... don't cry"</p><p>Then Ludwig has an idea, he holds it out the book of butterflies for Abel to see </p><p>"Do you like butterflies?" </p><p>Abel looked at him, and Ludwig looked back, then at the butterflies </p><p>Ludwig wishes he knew what Abel was thinking in that moment, he wishes it had gone how it had gone in his head, that Abel had smiled and they had become best friends forever just like it did in his dreams and in story books but it didn't, it didn't happen like that Abel didn't smile, Ludwig wasn't sure he became his friend</p><p>But Abel did look at the butterflies with him, and he didn't cry...</p><p>-</p><p>By the time Gilbert comes home, Ludwig is already there waiting for him </p><p>He watches as Gilbert takes off his hat and coat with delight, because he's home, hes home </p><p>"Your back!" and it doesn't matter that Gilbert is late it just matters he's back, Ludwig hugs his leg as tight as he can as if he's afraid to let go and Gilbert pats his head awkwardly, it's the most affectionate he gets </p><p>"Woah, woah" Gilbert pushes him off a little too roughly "I need to walk you know" </p><p>"Sorry" Ludwig withdraws, disappointed but he still keeps close to Gilbert as Gilbert sits down on the couch exhausted</p><p>"How'd school go" Gilbert asks, because it's the only thing he can think of </p><p>"Good" Ludwig says out of habit, "I talked to someone about butterflies" he seems proud of that, Gilbert raises an eyebrow "Butterflies?" Ludwig nods, Gilbert wants to tell Ludwig as he always does to squash them, but he just lays his head back and sighs because his legs are aching</p><p>"Never grow up, and have to work Ludwig" he says "Never grow up". </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw for some violence and light internalized homophobia</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was one of those days, they were all joking and laughing, none of them were in any hurry to get anywhere that day there was all of the time in the world, and nearly all of their jokes were about the most awful things in the entire world, things that no one wants to talk about, because it was funny to talk about what no one wants to talk about purely because no one wants to talk about it, the shock of it made you feel powerful and in control</p><p>But sometimes they hit, without knowing it, something would go a little bit too far and Gilbert would fall into his thoughts that would pile onto him like a ton of bricks falling on your shoulders and your stomach would twist around and then there would be silence</p><p>Everything grew cold, everything around you grew strange and unfamiliar, what it was that triggered the strange trance didn't matter it just happened like that, something about mothers, something about leaving, something about loneliness, something </p><p>"Gil" Antonio taps him on the shoulder, "Gil", and then Gilbert is cast into reality</p><p>"Oh" he realizes how quiet he has been "Sorry"</p><p>"Your quiet" Antonio says he's concerned</p><p>"It's nothing" Gilbert doesn't want to seem weak, or trouble them with his thoughts </p><p>"Are you sure about that Gilbert"</p><p>It's Francis, he's looking at him with those strange pretty blue eyes that shouldn't be pretty but are pretty and Gilbert notices </p><p>"Uh, yeah I'm fine"</p><p>Gilbert turns away feeling embarrassed mostly because he knows his friends see through him, they know him too well, he's afraid of revealing too much of himself or his past because </p><p>That's dangerous</p><p>I will make sure Ludwig is never weak like me, Gilbert thinks to himself, I swear I will </p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig still isn't sure that Abel is his friend, sure they sit inside together at recess when everyone has gone outside, sure they flip through the book of butterflies but it's always in silence</p><p>Sometimes Ludwig explains the butterflies, he's flipped through the book millions of times and he knows each and every page from memory</p><p>"A Monarch" Ludwig says, of a butterfly who has orange and black wings, he has never seen a butterfly before but these are his favorite ones, he likes their spots, Abel looks at it but says nothing, Ludwig can't tell if Abel is interested or not but he hasn't told Ludwig to go away yet</p><p>"I like the yellow ones"</p><p>Abel says as they flip to the next page, he points to the small yellow ones with papery wings and big yellow eyes</p><p>"Little yellows?" Ludwig reads the small caption, Abel nods it's the first thing Abel has said in a while so Ludwig smiles</p><p>"I like them too"</p><p>Ludwig doesn't know why Abel is always so quiet, but he doesn't think he minds anymore it's just nice to have someone who will look at butterflies</p><p>They never walk home together because Abel always leaves earlier than everyone else, and they never talk, or do any of the things friends do, but they sit and they look at butterflies and that's enough to stave off the loneliness Ludwig feels every time he has to walk home alone to an empty house</p><p>Abel always arrives to school late, Ludwig tries not to watch him shuffle into the class, he tries not to listen to the whispers of what the other kids say other kids have said, he knows they aren't true and he knows Abel doesn't like it when people look at him</p><p>He doesn't want Abel to hate him, even if he isn't always sure if Abel is his friend</p><p>He isn't sure why Abel is always late but he doesn't ask because they don't talk Ludwig focuses on his paper that day, it's not as interesting as the one on dirt was but all he can think about is if Abel is his friend or not, Ludwig has never had a friend so he guesses he wouldn't be able to tell either way but it ate at him that he didn't know</p><p>Abel kept to himself more than usual that day, he didn't smile at Ludwig but then again he never smiled, he kept his head on his paper and did everything he was supposed to</p><p>It was almost time to go to lunch, Ludwig didn't have anywhere to go for lunch since Gilbert was always working during the day so he always stole a snack for himself, he had learned it was better to steal and risk being caught than to go hungry, during lunchtimes</p><p>Abel leaves and goes who knows where, maybe home, somewhere down the long hallway, leaving Ludwig alone in the empty classroom with no one but the girls who whisper back in forth and look at Ludwig</p><p>He sighs, and tries to make himself smaller</p><p>Ludwig doesn't know what sort of rumor the girls were cooking up this time but he doesn't want to, he hears his name once or twice, he tries to focus on his snack...When lunch time is done and all of the kids come back in, Ludwig keeps his head done though inside he's very happy that he doesn't have to listen to those girls anymore</p><p>Then suddenly there is a shout</p><p>Everyone turns around, Abel has a boy by the collar, the boy's trying to get away but Abel holds him tight, Abel is saying something, it looks like they're going to get in a fight</p><p>"Don't. Talk. About. Him. Like that..."</p><p>Abel says, louder this time through gritted teeth so everyone hears it, his voice is deadly calm but bristling with ice at the edges</p><p>Beside the boy is one of the whispering girls from earlier, could she have been whispering something to him?</p><p>Abel is about to say something else but then the boy punches him in the face forcing Abel to let go, the boy shoves Abel into the wall </p><p>"I'll talk about whoever I want, don't fucking test me" </p><p>Ludwig worries for Abel, because even though Abel is strong and could probably take him he doesn't want him to get hurt, then Abel looks back at Ludwig, and he doesn't smile all the way, just a little, but in that moment Ludwig knows that Abel is his friend.</p><p>-</p><p>"Today Abel got into a fight" Ludwig says, they are staring at the TV but the TV is broken so really they are staring at the screen for lack of anything else to stare at </p><p>"Who's Abel?" Gilbert asks</p><p>"My friend"</p><p>"Ah"</p><p>Gilbert doesn't ask any more questions because he doesn't feel so much like talking today but Ludwig keeps going </p><p>"People were talking about me" the words make Ludwig want to cry, his face scrunches up but he covers his face and holds his tears back because he knows tears will get no sympathy from his brother </p><p>"People do that" Gilbert says thinking he is giving great advice, "you can't let people push you around, you have to push them back and show them who's boss" Gilbert feels very proud of his advice, he smiles in his crooked way </p><p>"I know" But Ludwig doesn't, he doesn't think he could push any body unless... he thinks, they hurt Abel or Gilbert then he could do it, because one is his only brother and the other is his only friend</p><p>Good talk, Gilbert thinks to himself he is setting Ludwig on the right track now Ludwig will never be weak like him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>A Note on butterflies: </b>
</p><p>
  <b>I thought it would be fun to show what the butterflies mentioned in the fic look like, so here we go. These may be familiar to some north american readers but not everyone so here </b>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <b>This is a Little Yellow, a butterfly mostly native to many parts of the Americas </b>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <b>Monarch butterflies, are probably some of the most iconic butterflies of North America though I read somewhere they can also be found in the British Isles? Either way, yeah that is what they look like. </b>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>tw for light internalized homophobia</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was one of those moments where you blink and then it's gone, Gilbert swore that if he had so much as blinked in that moment he would have missed it altogether and maybe that would have been for the best to never know </p><p>They are walking to their usual spot, near the fountains where they can talk and cause trouble, they always sneak out at night </p><p>At first Antonio was always worried about getting caught, but his mother knows and she says have fun be back by midnight so now Antonio can go without any complaints, it's not a long walk and there is plenty of fun to be had on the way there </p><p>But now </p><p>Francis looks at him and asks what is wrong?</p><p>"Nothing" Gilbert says, but he paused a moment so he wouldn't let it all confuse him with such a shudder as to close the doors to his heart forever so it would jam and nothing would all come flooding out like flood gates </p><p>Francis looks at him </p><p>"Don't lie"</p><p>He says, "We can go home if you are not well..." in his eyes Francis says, I know I know something is wrong that you won't tell me, Gilbert looks away because he's not sure if he likes being read like that </p><p>It was true, everything Gilbert said was a lie, a lie among bigger lies an entire web of terrible wretched lies, that Gilbert didn't care about things, that life was all one big joke, that he was strong, and that everything was okay </p><p>And then Francis's finger tips brush up against Gilbert's hand and Gilbert curses himself for being so weak and then the moment is over just like that and Francis's hand is gone </p><p>"Let's go home"</p><p>-</p><p>While everyone else is outside, Ludwig watches Abel draw in awe because Abel is much better at drawing than him Ludwig tries to draw of course, but he just doesn't think he could ever be that good</p><p>He tells Abel he's good, Abel just nods as if it's nothing but it's everything</p><p>"You could be an artist" Ludwig says, but Abel nods again and hides his face in his sweater but </p><p>Ludwig can tell he's trying not to smile</p><p>They are drawing butterflies, on paper carefully ripped from Ludwig's notebook, Abel has taken out a box of old colored pencils which have been used to the point it is hard to hold onto them since there is so little left of the pencil to hold, Abel lets Ludwig use them but on the condition he does not break them since they are important </p><p>Ludwig is happy to do that, but he's nowhere near as good as Abel is, so he thinks, but he makes sure to keep his eyes focused on his own paper some more so Abel doesn't think he's staring too much</p><p>The butterfly that Abel is drawing now is small, it's wings are yellow like pieces of yellow construction paper </p><p>The Little yellows are perched onto a beautiful pink flower which is in full bloom</p><p>It's the end of recess, it's time to go so Abel packs up the colored pencils as the other kids start coming back inside, before Ludwig goes back to his desk Abel taps him on the shoulder He holds out the drawing to Ludwig it's addressed to him, so Ludwig takes it </p><p>"Thank you"</p><p>On the inside, he wants to cry because no one has ever given him a drawing before and it's so beautiful he wants to reach out and hug Abel</p><p>But he doesn't because he knows Abel doesn't like being touched, so instead he does the only thing he can think of he turns around and gives him his own drawing</p><p>"I'm sorry it's not good like yours..."</p><p>But Abel takes it anyway, "I like it" Abel insists, and he takes the drawing, folds it up and puts it in his pocket </p><p>-</p><p>It's late at night by the fountains, they all are loitering in the square while Antonio keeps an eye out for cops who may try to haggle them, sometimes it happens, but so far they have been lucky Tonight they are talking about girls, Antonio brought it up and now they're chatting away </p><p>Gilbert hasn't honestly thought about girls very much since his thoughts have been preoccupied with Francis, he used to be quite the "womanizer" as it was called but he never liked being called that very much and none of his relationships had been very serious </p><p>Antonio likes Alice who goes to the rich kid school when he thinks about her he sighs because he knows he doesn't have a chance, Gilbert has seen her before but only once and isn't quite sure what Antonio sees in her, Antonio has had many girlfriends and crushes but this is the one so he says, this is the one he the one he truly loves</p><p>Francis is no different from Antonio but Francis loves Anya, Gilbert knows Anya better than he does Alice, since he works with Anya's brother and he used to go to school with her, Anya is pretty, soft, and tall </p><p>The kind of girl Francis must like, Gilbert thinks with a sigh though he doesn't know why he's sighing because he shouldn't care so much</p><p>They turn to him, ask who he likes and he has to think about it</p><p>"So, do you have anyone special?" Antonio prods with a grin, Gilbert has to think about that "Uhh" he searches his brain for something, anything he can say </p><p>"Are you and Erzsébet together yet?" Francis ventures</p><p>"What?" Gilbert shakes his head "No we're just friends..." Erzsébet has been his friend since forever, they work together, it's uncommon for a woman to work a job like that but Erzsébet is strong and hardy enough that their boss keeps her around she doesn't take shit from nobody and Gilbert likes that about her, but he doesn't love her or feel about her the way he does Francis</p><p>"Who then?" they want to know</p><p>Please don't look at Francis please don't look at Francis, Gilbert thinks desperately he wants to play it cool so he shrugs</p><p>"I don't know yet, keeping my options open ya know?" he laughs "I just haven't met anyone to my taste" </p><p>But that's a lie because he's looking at Francis again </p><p>-</p><p>There is one bedroom in their house but that's enough for both of them, there is one closet, one couch, but there are two beds because that is the first thing Gilbert saved up for with his own money </p><p>He gets home close to midnight so he opens the door and sees that Ludwig is already asleep but there is a paper tacked to the wall that wasn't there before Gilbert left, Gilbert can see it because it's just positioned in such a way that it is illuminated by the light streaming in through the door he hasn't closed and the light he hasn't turned off, it's creased like it's been folded before and scribbled onto it is a picture of a small yellow butterfly</p><p>Of course Gilbert doesn't think much of it, but he does think about turning out the light and collapsing into bed </p><p>-</p><p>Today the teacher is giving out little pieces of candy if you answer questions right, most of the kids eat theirs right away but each time Abel raises his hand and gets one he puts it in his pocket and saves it for later Ludwig thinks it's a good idea so he does the same but Ludwig does wonder, just who is Abel saving it for?</p><p>Is it the reason he comes to class late and leaves early? </p><p>Ludwig wonders but he doesn't ask, he always wonders a lot about Abel but that's just it there are some things he can never ask </p><p>-</p><p>"You can talk to me about things you know" Francis tells him, Antonio has left with Alice who acts like she hates him whenever she loves him even when it's obvious that she does, she was laughing as they left, so now Francis and Gilbert are alone </p><p>"Ha, nah I don't want to bother you" Gilbert forces a laugh, and because they are alone they are closer than they've ever been and it feels so strange but also a relief to be so close and so alone, so they both bask in the awkward loneliness</p><p>"Your never a bother Gil" Francis assures him, and then Francis looks around and awkwardly takes his hand "I'm here for you you know so if you ever need to talk about anything..." </p><p>Their hands are warm and sweaty and they fit together awkwardly, Gilbert's callouses against Francis's slender piano fingers but its better than anything in the world</p><p>Gilbert smiles in the cold night because this is all he has ever wanted and yet he wants more, then inside something tells him he shouldn't want but he tells the voice to shut up because this feels so overpowering and wonderful and beautiful because Francis is beautiful and all of the things Gilbert is not </p><p>But Francis is sharing this moment with him, this beautiful wonderful moment of contact </p><p>And then just like that it's over and never happens again and the feelings from that moment embed in his subconscious it will never leave him for as long as he lives</p><p>But that in and of itself is beautiful to Gilbert, it is a triumph beyond measure </p><p>Oh he would be lying to himself if he says he doesn't wish it didn't last just a little bit longer, it doesn't happen again, Francis gets together with Anya the very next day, they never talk about it but Gilbert thinks about it </p><p>-</p><p>The school yard was small shabby and grey, bits of grass peeking out from the concrete, and a fence high above their heads so they could look out onto the street and if they really tried some of them could just barely slip through the bars, maybe they thought about it but they would have decided it wasn't worth the trouble</p><p>Abel and Ludwig are sitting on the concrete, their backs against the wall, their heads tilted up up upward, their eyes scanning the sky for butterflies that are nowhere to be seen</p><p>After looking so many times at the butterflies in the book Abel had suggested they go outside and look for them It was nice to get fresh air, the other kids had left them relatively alone since the confrontation with Abel, the boy and the whispering girl, the other kids kept away instead they whispered among themselves</p><p>But that was alright with Ludwig, as long as Abel was his friend the other kids could say anything and it would be alright that was the wonderful thing about having a friend</p><p>So far there had been no butterflies, but that didn't matter because they would keep looking, Ludwig was certain of it, until they saw one, Abel sat cross legged, he looked as relaxed and as quiet and as strange as he had ever been his clothes and smell just as funny as always</p><p>Ludwig closes his eyes for a second and he wants to hold onto the feeling of this moment, just him and his friend looking for butterflies forever </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>"I'm moving"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Abel says and Ludwig's heart drops to the floor, moving? but he just got here... he can't be moving so soon</p>
</div><p>Abel looks down, his expression is as always almost unreadable but his shoulders drop and he looks just so sad with his hands in the pockets of his coat and his simple "Sorry"</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>"You.. you just got here" Ludwig says, Abel's eyes are not on Ludwig they're not looking for butterflies in the sky either instead their on the concrete and then Abel hides his face</p>
</div><p>But a tear falls from Abel's eye, to his cheek, to the concrete and then Ludwig can't help it in that moment he lets his tears fall too, he doesn't care what his brother thinks because this is the worst thing in the entire world</p><p>"I'll miss you... you can't move... you just got here"</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>They're both crying now, Ludwig wipes his own face with his sleeve and sniffs "your my only friend..." he says "you know that..." Abel nods and somehow Ludwig thinks, the thought is mutual</p>
</div><p>"I'll miss you so much" he wants to throw his arms around Abel then decides against it, and instead he does it with his words</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>"Don't cry..." Ludwig says, as Abel wipes his eyes "don't cry"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>But they are both still crying because neither of them want Abel to go but because they know he'll have to </p>
</div><p>Ludwig wants him to stay here, to be his friend forever they still haven't found a butterfly...but there's no more time and silently his heart breaks</p><p>But he tries to be strong for Abel, he wipes his own face again sniffs tries to act strong</p><p>"I'll always remember you" he says "I'll write to you... when your gone" but that's a lie because he doesn't know what Abel's new address will be but its a comforting one that he wants to believe "your my friend, I won't forget you" </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>Abel leaves for good that day, Ludwig follows him outside so he can watch him leave and Abel doesn't complain, Abel waits outside, Ludwig and Abel don't talk they wait a bit when Ludwig realizes Abel is waiting for the younger grades to be released</p>
</div><p>When the younger grades are released, two younger kids join them, one is a girl with her hair tied back into pig tails and her mouth curled into a smile, the other is a boy even smaller and younger than she, who runs after her </p><p> </p><p></p><div>
  <p>"Abel!" she says as she runs to him and gives him a hug, Abel smiles and awkwardly pats her head, the way she looks at Abel is a look familiar to Ludwig because is the same one that he looks at Gilbert with</p>
</div><p>The two younger kids take Abel's hand, they wave to him as they say goodbye, goodbye, Ludwig waves back but he's holding back tears </p><p class="">Abel looks back at him, he gives him a final smile then disappears down the street, into the world, beyond what Ludwig knows</p><p>Maybe Abel will finally see butterflies... where ever he has to go, Ludwig thinks, and maybe just maybe, someday Ludwig will see them too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW for mentions of outdated sexist attitudes, I don't think any of these things it is only for the context of the story also some themes of bullying, and smoking</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They are talking by the fountains at night like they always used to, but something has changed Francis and Antonio are talking about their girlfriends, it wasn't a sudden change it was a gradual one with girls slowly creeping into their conversations, at first it was subtle comments about hopeless crushes then it became almost constant</p><p>Gilbert doesn't have a girlfriend to talk about so he stays quiet </p><p>"Anya" this and "Alice" that, he wishes they could go back to the old days where girls were an afterthought, where if they where mentioned at all it was just in passing, or in disdain, pride in what they are not, they were boys and girls were girls, but now everything is different </p><p>They are young men now, and young men are supposed to talk about girls, Gilbert should be talking about girls too but he doesn't have much to add, there's an empty space between Francis and Gilbert</p><p>If they ask he will just say he is tired from work Antonio and Francis have enough to talk about anyway without him </p><p>But his gaze sometimes still falls on Francis, Francis his friend, Francis who is too pretty for his own good, who shared that moment with him while Antonio was away only to forget about it and never share a moment like that again, but for the fleeting moment where they made contact </p><p>And then suddenly Anya is there, she waves to Francis and Francis waves back, she settles beside Francis, Francis keeping close to him, his arm is thrown around her shoulders she eyes Gilbert awkwardly but she smiles when she looks at Francis, she's happy to be with him, Francis seems happy to be with her, they deserve to be happy </p><p>So why does it sting </p><p>He doesn't hate Anya, they don't know each other well of course but she's a nice girl and she seems to make Francis very happy and at the same time Francis makes her happy "Anya" he takes her hand and introduces them all</p><p>"That's Antonio" he points, Antonio waves as friendly and well meaning as always "Hi"</p><p>"And that's Gil" Francis doesn't point to him, but Anya stares at him anyway </p><p>"Yes I know him, we used to go to school together" she says but her tone wavers, but Gilbert doesn't stare back and by the time he does she's already looking at Francis again, does she see right through him? </p><p>Or worse, Gilbert worries, did Francis tell her what happened that night? No Francis would never do that, at least Gilbert hopes so </p><p>When she looks back at Francis her cheeks grow rosy she's not beautiful in the conventional way that you see on magazines but in the real way, in the real beautiful way, she has a warm heart that's always warming up everyone she touches, her hair is long and kept out of her face by a red hat which is seemingly as red as her face </p><p>Francis must think she's perfect, he must really love her from the way he looks at her, somewhere in Gilbert's chest, from his heart to the very pit of his stomach he finds himself wondering...</p><p>Did Francis, at any point, love Gilbert like that?</p><p>-</p><p>"Do you need a hand?" </p><p>But Gilbert shakes his head, no he has this, so he wants to say, he's strong he can lift heavy things </p><p>"Are you sure?" Erzsébet asks as he struggles </p><p>"Ye-yes" he grunts "I've got it" he manages to lift it but it's torture on his arms he feels like they are about to fall off</p><p>At work they must sometimes move a certain amount of boxes, otherwise they don't get payed, it's a tedious and tough job though easily not the hardest job they have ever had to do, but it is definitely a strain on your arms to constantly lift heavy boxes up the stairs then afterward you have to go back down and pick up another box and start all over again, this one is particularly heavy </p><p>Erzsébet watches with an amused smirk as he struggles to lift it, but this time she doesn't intervene just watches him struggle to move it, he doesn't want to seem weak even though no one else is around, they're all done with work for that day and this is the last one, but it's Gilbert's luck that he would get the heaviest one </p><p>He takes one step up the stairs, then another, then it's too much and he nearly trips and collapses under the weight, but just as he's about to collapse Erzsébet is there, she holds onto the other half and together they manage to lift it up the steps and move it to where it belongs</p><p>They both laugh as they join the others who are waiting for them, smoking and sitting on the concrete, they look up at the two of them and none of them smile except for Ivan, Anya's sister who gives them a smug smile, neither of them like Ivan very much but they put up with him because he has been there longer than anyone so he's good friends with the boss, some say he has been working there since he was fourteen, if that was true it wouldn't come as a surprise to anyone </p><p>Not even Ivan can ruin what Gilbert feels in that moment, because it's nice to have someone to lift up the other corner of the box when it gets too heavy </p><p>Erzsébet lights a cigarette she offers one to Gilbert who takes it</p><p>Gilbert and Erzsébet walk home from work together, she lives farther away than he does Gilbert is just a few blocks from work but Erzsébet has to take a midnight train to get home, her parents don't know that she works so Erzsébet says, they think she's sleeping, they don't think that work like that is suitable for a girl, Gilbert used to think that too before he saw Erzsébet work and now he thinks, if Erzsébet can do it who's to say other girls can't? </p><p>Besides that anyone who says that about Erzsébet has never met Erzsébet before </p><p>And now that they're alone they can talk about anything, Erzsébet is good at keeping secrets she doesn't gossip like the rest of their coworkers, though Gilbert knew her long before work </p><p>She used to play soccer together, with him and Antonio and Francis in the street a battered soccer ball that belonged to an older boy who at first didn't want Erzsébet to play with them until she showed them what she could do </p><p>Gilbert thought he could beat her that it would be easy but she beat him every single time he tried, then instead of being on the opposing team he made sure to be on her team every time Erzsébet had always been around, and when they grew up they worked together and it was a simple story it was just like that </p><p>Now he's complaining to her about Antonio and Francis "and all they want to talk about now are girls" he sighs "It's so annoying!" </p><p>Erzsébet listens intently, "my parents do the same thing, it's always about boys"</p><p>It's nice to have someone who understands, and now they are joking and laughing about how ridiculous this all is, and there's nothing awkward just the natural feeling that someone is there, someone is there to help lift things when they get to heavy, someone is there to laugh with, someone understands </p><p>He never worries about feeling weak around her, she is strong and so is he, they are strong </p><p>There's strength in understanding</p><p>He would teach Ludwig that, he thinks that he will when he gets home but by the time he gets home he's tired and falls asleep</p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig wishes he could go back to when everyone ignored him and whispered, because it's so much worse now</p><p>Oh they still whisper, they still talk about him and laugh about him behind his back but now it's so much worse because now that Abel isn't around there isn't anyone to tell them to stop, to glare at them them, to fight them, or challenge them, or anything just a wall of indifference and bitterness, they don't like him because he's weird</p><p>It isn't something that he said or did, it's just the fact of his existence they disdain and each time he walks by, each time he shows his face apathy cut him, it was like slipping on slippery ice and falling on your face, it hurt, it stung like ice He knew no one wanted him here, not the teacher, not his classmates, nobody</p><p>Everyone makes up rumors about him, and everyone believes them because he's weird and nobody likes him </p><p>So today he stays inside because he's scared to go outside because what if they're talking about him out there? </p><p>What if they come up with more rumors? He tries to look through the book of butterflies, he tries to look at the pictures and relive those moments but then he flips to the page with the Little Yellows and he can't do it anymore, so he closes the book puts his head down on his desk and tries very hard not to cry</p><p>-</p><p>"Everyone talks about me. Nobody likes me" </p><p>Ludwig tells him, Gilbert shakes his head like he's disappointed</p><p>"You can't let people treat you like that, if someone is talking about you, punch em" </p><p>It was the same advice Gilbert has given him hundreds of times and each time that Ludwig wants to he just can't do it, he couldn't hurt anyone, he couldn't punch anyone</p><p>"But I couldn't do that..." he doesn't know why he bothers asking Gilbert </p><p>"Sure you could" Gilbert says simply "your strong Lud, you aren't weak"</p><p>It's meant to be reassuring but it makes Ludwig's skin crawl, he knows he should be able to do it, he should be able to stand up for himself he shouldn't be so weak </p><p>Why do I even try, Ludwig thinks, he won't listen to me anyway</p><p>He couldn't hurt anyone, he couldn't punch anyone, because he's not strong, he curls up in bed and he doesn't talk to Gilbert for the rest of the night it's like talking to a brick wall, he doesn't know what he was expecting any way </p><p>-</p><p>Everything was lonely today, Ludwig walked to school lonely as usual then he sat down on his desk as lonely as usual, everyone whispered about him about how weird and alone he was, he looked down at his desk and didn't look at anyone Lonelier than ever</p><p>The teacher who let him look at butterflies has moved away, to somewhere with higher pay so she says, the new teacher doesn't let him look at butterflies, she says no go outside leave me be don't annoy me have fun get some fresh air </p><p>The school year is almost over then it will be summer, then just three months until he has to do this all over again </p><p>Today he doesn't try to do any work instead he keeps his head down on his desk trying to bite down the apathy and static growing around his heart, because he knows no one wants him here and it's taken him painfully long to realize that </p><p>When recess comes he follows the other kids outside but as he gets up from his chair another boy bumps into him and pushes him back </p><p>"Out of my way!" the boy doesn't snarl or anything like that but his words are biting enough, Ludwig is an object that is in the way to this boy, Ludwig isn't wanted or matters It took him painfully long to realize that </p><p>He shuffles into the school yard, but he isn't watching where he is going, someone puts their foot out and he trips and falls into a mud puddle </p><p>Everyone is laughing now, everyone is looking at him, there's mud in his face, he doesn't know what to do next he feels his heart sink to the floor, he follows his instincts and runs he squeezes through the bars that he could have squeezed through before but didn't and he runs into the streets and he doesn't look back and no one stops him because no one cares about Ludwig </p><p>He runs until the school is out of sight and he's lost, he doesn't know which street he's on where he is except it's cold and there are puddles everywhere</p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig doesn't know where he is, he doesn't know where he's going, he's scared and he's alone, he doesn't know how to get back but he doesn't know if he wants to go back, all of these conflicting feelings make his head hurt </p><p>It's starting to rain again, people pass by but they don't notice him so he turns away because he's trying not to cry again but all of the emotions and mud are catching up with him now</p><p>A tear falls, he keeps walking in the rain to somewhere, who knows where in this city that is so big and so vast he must be passing by hundreds of people, hundreds of people going about their day, he's scared he's lonely he wants to go home but he doesn't know the way back from here, here is unfamiliar </p><p>He wants to hide and it's getting later in the day, the evening bell chimes everyone must be getting out of school soon </p><p>He finds a wooden wall, it isn't a fence, it's a wall no one can peer in and no one can peer out he doesn't notice the wall just the shield from the rain that's dry </p><p>Ludwig holds his knees, he keeps his head low as the tear that he's been holding back falls but at least it's dry here and no one will notice and laugh at him </p><p>He must be there for what feels like an eternity, but when you are alone moments stretch on slowly as if they will never end </p><p>"Hey" </p><p>Says a voice, he looks around to see who said it </p><p>"I'm over here, in the fence"</p><p>Someone is talking to him from inside the fence</p><p>He can't see their face, only hear their voice and the small glimpse of an eye </p><p>"I've never seen you here before" says the voice "what are you doing here?" the voice isn't mean or suspicious, just curious Ludwig isn't sure what to say but then he remembers his despair and the words choke him </p><p>"I ran away..." his voice is hoarse it's fallen into disuse </p><p>"From home?"</p><p>Then Ludwig is peering into the hole in the fence, he can't see much but he can see a little of the voice's face </p><p>"No" he shakes his head "from school" </p><p>The voice is quiet for a moment "I wish I could do that" they say, Ludwig shakes his head again even though he knows whoever it is can't see it </p><p>"No..." Ludwig rubs his eyes with his sleeve "no you don't" </p><p>"I hate it here, it's so stuffy" complains the voice "Your in school?"</p><p>"Yeah, right now actually"</p><p>"Are they letting you out soon?" Ludwig finds himself asking, he imagines the voice is shaking his head when he speaks "no, not for an hour" then he scoffs "It's not fair, most schools get out way earlier than that, who are you anyway?"</p><p>Ludwig considers his options, on the other hand he is talking to a complete stranger and then on the other he doesn't think there is any harm in talking with them </p><p>"I'm Ludwig" he manages to say, "and you?" the voice is quiet, Ludwig imagines he is cracking a smile "I'm Feliciano" he says Ludwig is about to say, ok Feliciano, but Feliciano interrupts "But call me Feli... please"</p><p>Then someone on the other side of the fence calls something inaudible "I have to go, wait here for me I will be back when school lets out" Ludwig agrees because he doesn't see any other choice</p><p>It's a long hour waiting for Feli to be let out during that hour he thinks, about Feli, about Abel then when he thinks of Abel he thinks about butterflies Maybe Feli will like butterflies, he thinks then a darker thought</p><p>Maybe Feli will see him and make fun of him like everyone else... He pushes the thought away when he finally sees who he assumes is Feli</p><p>Feli is with someone else, an older boy who looks a lot like him except different </p><p>"Look Lovi!" Feli, yes it's him his voice is the same, and he points to Ludwig who is still sitting in the same spot then Feli doesn't curse him he doesn't laugh at him he says without a hint of irony "it's my new friend!".</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW physical fighting, bullying (a little more on the physical side), mentions of corporal punishment</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Where have you been?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gilbert says in a hiss when they are out of sight of the school, he is holding onto Ludwig's hand tightly as he half drags him away, his grip is so tight it hurts Ludwig's fingers but Ludwig doesn't complain because he's never seen Gilbert this angry before Ludwig doesn't answer, he doesn't need to his silence is all it takes for Gilbert to keep going</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"They were looking for you" Gilbert is angry "they had a cop there and everything"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ludwig did see Gilbert was talking to one by the gate when Feli and his brother helped him find his way back, was that why the cop was there? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as Ludwig had seen the cop was there, he knew he was in for it </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry," Ludwig says, but he knows sorry never works, Gilbert's eyes are cold and Ludwig's fingers hurt more than ever now they are walking back home, Gilbert has never walked home with Ludwig not since he was very little, and even then there was always his friends around who didn't talk to him very much, and when he was around his friends he wasn't ever so angry </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You can't just run away like that! If you act out, they'll pay attention to you, and if they start paying attention to you they'll..." Gilbert's voice cracks with emotion, Ludwig didn't mean to hurt his brother but inside he feels so empty and hollow in the pit of his heart which is breaking </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don't ever do that again" they are almost home now, Ludwig feels stupid very stupid, when Gilbert is quiet it's worse than when he's talking, the silence is unbearable. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm... I'm sorry" Ludwig says even though he knows saying it won't do any good"I'm sorry"but that's not enough, no apologies will ever be enough to make up for what he did </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"They were making fun of me... I fell in mud... I" he is crying now even though he knows that will only make Gilbert madder at him </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Haven't I told you?" Gilbert snaps "you can't take shit from them, you can't let them push you around you have to push them back but for the love of god you can't just run away!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ludwig wipes his eyes again which are red and feel dry because he has run out of tears he can cry, there are no more in his head Gilbert must hate him now, from the way he doesn't look at him</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they reach the house Gilbert doesn't talk and neither does Ludwig, Ludwig sits in silence and goes to bed before he should </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ludwig doesn't walk home alone any more, he waits for Feli to be let out so they can all walk together with his brother Lovi, Feli is not like anyone he's ever met before, then again Ludwig hasn't met that many people </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feli goes to a strange school where they wear strange uniforms and don't get let out until later than Ludwig's school, he's always complaining about how strict and snobby the school, how it's so stupid his mom makes him go, he says the school is always getting him in trouble for stupid things like being too muddy or one time, for cutting his hair too short </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feli says his mother didn't like when he cut his hair either but the school punished him worse since he wasn't allowed to go outside for a week </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Feli comes out of the school, he is always wearing a skirt that he's always complaining about then on the way home they stop somewhere so Feli can change into pants </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"There's no way you can move around in those things!" he complains, "It's not fair!" he says, and Lovi laughs</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lovi doesn't go to school anymore, oh he's supposed to but he doesn't because he's rebellious he doesn't let any one tell him what to do, he's disappointed their mother so much their mother makes Feli go to the stuffy strict school where no one is allowed to be dirty or have short hair</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lovi is older than Feli but not as old as Gilbert, Lovi has two eyes but one of them doesn't work because he lost it in a fight, that's what Feli said anyway Feli is always so much happier when he's in pants, he bounces around he is much more talkative than Abel was, he smiles more often he's almost always bubbling and smiling at something </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He always waits for his brother to be let out every day, so he doesn't have to walk home alone, "the streets are dangerous," Lovi says, and his eye falls over Feli in his strange and sometimes condescending way, he is no less talkative than Feli but mysterious and reserved </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I can protect myself!" Feli protests but Lovi snorts "I'd like to see you try" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feli insists he could do it but Lovi looks at him in his adult way, no, no you couldn't </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Whenever Ludwig is quiet or spacing out, Feli will say "Earth to Luddy! Over" but Ludwig doesn't really understand the reference at first until Feli explains it's about space, Feli knows a lot about space probably more than what most adults know </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But having someone to walk with is nice...Ludwig walks home with Feli and Lovi even if Lovi and Feli fight sometimes it's less lonely-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time when they're by the fountains, Anya doesn't come to be with Francis</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Where is she?" Gilbert asks, trying to seem like it doesn't matter to him "We broke up" Francis says as though it's nothing, he's started smoking again so he blows out a puff of smoke</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh," Gilbert says and he looks away, he regrets asking now, but Francis and Gilbert don't talk so much these days... Francis is going off to some fancy school next summer</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Antonio says he is visiting relatives of his for the summer, and Gilbert will be the only one who will stick around, he looks at Gilbert with pitying eyes, Gilbert doesn't have relatives to run off to or a fancy school to attend, Gilbert will have to stay here as they leave him behind</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gilbert thinks over, and over again, how he doesn't want to part like this, in such silence, these are their last few nights to spend as young reckless youths who loiter by the fountains at night everything will be no more than memories, Gilbert has seen it happen before it will happen again</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Antonio and Francis will forget about him as soon as they leave the city and why should they remember him? But as the friend they left behind, they'll go on to do things and Gilbert will have to stay here because his entire life is here, his job is here, his house is here, Ludwig is here, everything he knows is here</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Francis doesn't have pity to spare for him, he is as distant as ever from Gilbert, it hurts but Gilbert doesn't want him to know how much it does</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Antonio asks Francis a question, everything is inaudible, Gilbert doesn't hear, he's not thinking about here he's thinking about somewhere else, he's not sure where or why, or if he'll ever get there </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to leave too, he wants to see the world and everything in it, doesn't want to be the one who always stays here, good old Gilbert who always sticks around, he wants to roam but he's tied down now he can't just do what he used to, what he always dreamed of doing he's stuck</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Do you have any plans for the summer, Gilbert?" Antonio asks him, and he still looks at him with those pitying eyes </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Work, as usual" Gilbert huffs, he stares Antonio back, he doesn't want his pity</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh", Antonio says as if he's surprised "have fun then" it's useless small talk, Francis blows another puff of his cigarette </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they leave for the night, Gilbert's doubt gnaws at him, he wonders that if will ever see them again </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ludwig doesn't care so much about school anymore he is only doing it because he has to, he's really only doing it to get to the other part of the day where he has a friend, the other kids they can stare and laugh if they want to because he isn't there for them</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stops caring so much about work, the teacher doesn't seem to mind anyway, report cards come around and all of the grades are low, Ludwig crumples it up with his fist he doesn't care about grades they can keep it, he doesn't care anymore, he knows when he isn't wanted, since the time where he tried to run away the teacher keeps a closer eye on him but only in a condescending way like he's stupid, or can't take care of himself</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She treats him like he's a baby and can't possibly understand, he hates everyone even people he doesn't know if he really hates like Gilbert, Gilbert is probably in on this too, except Gilbert isn't like that he never treats him like a little kid, he has never treated Ludwig like a little kid even when Ludwig was a little kid</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The kids are meaner than ever, Ludwig tries to stay far away from them but they always seem to find something, he's weird because he's alone now and he doesn't have friends </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Today Ludwig is pushed into the wall by a boy much larger than he is, the boy laughs at him, Ludwig feels his face grow hot he's angry now angrier than he's ever been before, he does what Gilbert has told him to do he doesn't think about it he raises his fist and </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before he can register what he's doing, he has punched the boy in nose</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The boy stumbles back, kids are staring at him they are expecting the older boy to punch back, Ludwig feels guilty he didn't mean to punch him, he wants to see if the boy is hurt but the boy kicks him in the stomach and he crumples </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The boy and some of the other kids snicker, they don't expect him to get back up but he does, Ludwig gets back up and then they fight, Ludwig clawing at him like an angry cat and the boy trying to push him off, and then the teacher yells at Ludwig and separates them, Ludwig almost doesn't register what's happening at first, he's never gotten into a fight before </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He realizes his nose is bloody, and that's the first thing he sees reflected in the office windows, he doesn't look like himself </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He's in the office now for one of the only times he's ever been there, he was there once to get paddled for doing something he doesn't really remember, they want to paddle him this time but they call Gilbert first, they have to call the parents now if they want to do it </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ludwig tastes the blood he feels sorry for what he's done, but he's more scared of getting paddled, he was only paddled once because he was a good kid but it hurt, he was a good kid </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gilbert arrives a long time after, they are going to paddle him but Gilbert says no he will paddle him at home, he takes Ludwig's hand and he takes him back home </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To Ludwig's surprise Gilbert doesn't get him in trouble he actually is on his side </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You did the right thing" Gilbert says triumphant "when someone pushes you, you push them back" he pats Ludwig on the head, "just remember to fight when your outside of the school where no one can see, that way they can't get you in trouble" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He has experience, Ludwig remembers that Gilbert used to always get into fights</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ludwig stares down at the puddles he should not have done that, he doesn't want to hurt anyone...he never meant to hurt anyone</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There are bruises, and his eye is swollen for a day or two, it hurts there is nothing triumphant about this, it's just painful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW: Smoking and... ah really that's about it, consider this a transition chapter we're transitioning to the other parts of the story. I tried to make it faster but that's just how it be sorry its so slow paced</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Feli sees him again the first thing he asks about is Ludwig's face, his eye is still bruised up, a visible reminder of what he did...</p><p>"What happened?"</p><p>Feli asks him a lot of questions very quickly, Ludwig stays quiet, he doesn't want to say that it was because he got into a fight it, even if Gilbert told him he did good it didn't feel good, he didn't want to fight anyone even if the boy he fought wasn't hurt much by it</p><p>"Did you get in a fight?" Feli asks, he is persistent at getting answers out of people even answers that the other person may be hiding or not wishing to give, Ludwig nods slowly, he expects Feli to be angry at him or maybe disappointed or at least have some sort of reaction, anything but Feli doesn't, he simply asks more questions</p><p>"Did you throw the first punch? Did you win?"</p><p>Ludwig tries his best to answer, with a nod or shaking his head but he keeps his eyes on the ground, he can't look at Feli</p><p>They stop at the usual spot, it's a strange old building it used to be a bar but then the owner died and it wasn't a bar anymore it wasn't anything really, no one goes in and out anymore, Ludwig only knows that because his mother used to go there a lot before it closed down and before she died</p><p>Now it's the place they stop at for Feli to change into pants, "I'll be right back!" he says and he grabs the old door handle and disappears into the old bar </p><p>Lovi is staring at Ludwig, Ludwig didn't notice it before but he notices it now, Lovi hasn't said anything today usually he talks more, but he's been quiet, he looks down at Ludwig even though he's really not much taller than Ludwig is, he feels taller with the way he carries himself is tall</p><p>He expects Lovi to say something, but Lovi doesn't say a word but he looks at Ludwig in that way that so Ludwig knows he's thinking about something, maybe Ludwig, maybe Feli, or someone or something else</p><p>Lovi opens his mouth, maybe he's going to say something, maybe he's going to ask about Ludwig's face but before he can say anything Feli is back and Ludwig is left wondering what Lovi wanted to say</p><p>-</p><p>In his memories sometimes Gilbert is a kid again, Erzsébet is too they're playing with the kids who have the soccer ball and they're winning too, everything and everyday is a triumph every small goal is the achievement of a life time and none of the responsibilities of adults and things girls have to do and act like, and things boys have to do and act like matter so much, Francis and Antonio talked about things other than girls and the future, because the future as far as they could see it was always just the three and sometimes four of them kicking around, no cares in the world, no worries, nothing</p><p>Erzsébet would be with them sometimes, and in those moments everyone that Gilbert cared about in the world would be there, when your eleven you hate being eleven but when you get older you realize being eleven isn't so bad and you would give anything just to be eleven just to go back to when everyone you loved was all together</p><p>Today Erzsébet is with him and they've just finished work, they're doing what they always do, they're talking less and less about the past, more about the future, about dreams and all that</p><p>Erzsébet talks about the future like she can already see it and knows who and what she wants, she wants a place of her own, she wants to be free to do whatever she wants and she doesn't care what people think about her on the way to get there</p><p>"My mama" she says "she just wants me to get a man and have kids just like she did" she laughs "but I don't care what she says, as soon as I can I'm getting outta here" and it's true, she's saving up money, she's working, it's her ticket out of here she says, her golden ticket</p><p>It won't be for a while though, she admits still has a long way to go</p><p>Gilbert doesn't know what he wants, what he wants to do or where he wants to go</p><p>He doesn't have a golden ticket</p><p>"Do you think you'll ever get out of here?" she says it's almost cliche, like something you would see everyone else see and laugh but when she says it she means it</p><p>Gilbert shrugs "maybe" but he doubts it, he has too many reasons he has to stay put</p><p>"Go somewhere else better, see the world and all that" and in that moment she's not here anymore, she's somewhere else better, where she wants to be</p><p>And when she speaks, Gilbert can imagine he's there too, somewhere not here somewhere better, and when he thinks he imagines himself in the better somewhere, grass everywhere and trees all around, Antonio and Francis are with him in the somewhere better, Ludwig is there too taking all of it, being taught everything Gilbert had to learn himself</p><p>"Better, huh?" he's thinking about it he's imagining it and then he remembers reality and the somewhere better slips away</p><p>"Maybe someday" he says half to Erzsébet half to himself, shaking his head "but not now"</p><p>-</p><p>The school year is ending soon but not fast enough Ludwig thinks, the last few days always drag on, it's almost the last day but it's gone by so slowly it could be any other day </p><p>Ludwig doesn't care much about school anymore, during lessons his brain will fall asleep and he'll stare mindlessly at the clock waiting for it to all be over, kids will still pick on him from time to time but they don't push him anymore, he only gets through the day so he can see Feli at the end of it, it's the only reason school is worth going to, he keeps his head down, his hands in his pockets, during lunch today he decides not to stick around, the classroom at lunch is empty and lonely, empty places always feel sad</p><p>Ludwig walks out of the classroom, past the teacher, through the doors of the school and into the street letting his feet carry him farther and farther away, he doesn't have a destination in mind he only follows his instincts as they guide him to wherever he'll end up going, he comes across a bridge, it's been there for as long as he can remember, he knows because he's walked past it before, but he's never really noticed it, how it's made of stones and how no one seems to ever go across</p><p>It's not much but it's a start</p><p>He sits there, eats his snack and watches the river, wonders if there are fish in there, if they can see him even if he can't see them and if they all have names like people do, but maybe we just don't know their names because we can't talk to them, or maybe because we've never tried</p><p>Ludwig looks up at the sky, the sky is a grayish blue but it's blue, he sees a cloud</p><p>It's quiet here, it's empty, but it's not lonely, because there are clouds and there are fish here</p><p>-</p><p>It's their last day, tomorrow Antonio goes to see his relatives somewhere far away and Francis goes to the big fancy school somewhere even farther away than, the end to an era of their youth, when they meet again things will never go back to how it was</p><p>But they manage to make the mood light, to make their parting seem like nothing like it's only for a little while </p><p>"I dare you to stick your head in the fountain!"</p><p>Then they're reckless youths again, they run around, they roughhouse, they talk about the past they laugh at the present, it's like it used to be</p><p>And Gilbert for the first time in so long can let himself go, he lets himself relax even if it's only for such a short time, he sticks his head in the fountain lets it wash over him hears his friend's laughter</p><p>At the end of the night, things are different</p><p>And Francis lights a cigarette, who is still too pretty, who breathes in and breathes out, looks at Gilbert and he says good bye, he's not really looking at him, there's nothing in his eyes like there was before, only good bye</p><p>-<br/>That night Gilbert comes home, Ludwig says he feels bad and guilty, doesn't think he should have done what he did, it hurt him to hurt that boy, and if it was the right thing to do why does it feel so bad</p><p>Gilbert stares blankly at the wall, he doesn't look at Ludwig or at the broken TV or anything he just sighs, says something like he usually says, it's like talking to a brick wall, Ludwig is about to say more but he realizes Gilbert isn't talking to him, he's talking to the wall</p><p>Ludwig feels tears burn his eyes, he covers his face he goes to bed and slams the door, and for the first time he's not just aching he's angry, he's angry that he feels bad, at himself for making himself feel bad, for being lonely and because even if he cried all day Gilbert wouldn't care anyway.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i dont know why it shows the note of another chapter fhfjf</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw your boi has flashbacks, and also there's some non graphic violence</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig always waits for Feli to be able to come out to play,even though it's summer he still has to wait because Feli has to do chores, Ludwig doesn't have anyone else or anything better to do but wait, because he’s always finished with his chores before Feli is</p><p>Ludwig wishes chores didn’t exist</p><p>It's boring to wait around for someone else to get done with chores,</p><p>While he waits he finds himself wandering, strolling down familiar yet unfamiliar parts of town past the school, and the old bridge, the fountains that don't work anymore, run down buildings no one lives in but the rats, sometime ago this must have been beautiful but it's been here so long that it isn't so beautiful now</p><p>He walks through a row of mostly empty buildings, the businesses have all gone and so have the people, he must remind himself not to go too far or else he could walk into the slums</p><p>He’s going to walk down another street when something peaks his interest, it's an old building just as run down than all of the ones next to it, and it looks just like the other buildings but it's different, it has a sign, and as he comes closer he sees a doormat and it looks new,</p><p>Library is a place where books are, he thinks, and he gets excited because he's learned about lending libraries before but he's never been this close</p><p>He places his hand on the glass, stares through the window at all of the books lined up on the shelf, and he feels happy just seeing them there, but the happiness doesn't last long when it dawns on him they are out of his reach</p><p>Old and faded and out of reach, but there</p><p>Something passes overhead, he turns around the strange, the shape was familiar, he had just seen it</p><p>It looked like a butterfly</p><p>-</p><p>"He acts like he's so above everyone else"</p><p>They're complaining about Ivan who's annoying them more and more these days, they have to be civil to him at work, but outside of work they can say whatever they want</p><p>"I know right "and they laugh, as if Ivan has any authority other than the fact he's been there the longest</p><p>"Always bossing us around as if he's in charge" and then Erzsébet falls silent for a moment</p><p>"I want to fight him" Gilbert laughs it's a ridiculous idea, Ivan is among the tallest people Gilbert has ever met and speaking from experience could probably pack a pretty mean punch even though Gilbert hasn't tested it, but she says "I could take him" and insists</p><p>"He's strong, but I'm quick" it's true, he's seen her fight before but it's still ridiculous</p><p>"He'd get us both fired" Gilbert says "you know that right"</p><p>"I know" she huffs "but just for once I'd like to knock that grin off of his face"</p><p>Erzsébet is always saying stuff like this, sometimes not quite far enough to keep Gilbert from feeling nervous about being overheard by someone else particularly if that someone else was Ivan, but he looks over his shoulder and sees nothing but an empty street</p><p>-</p><p>When Feli is finally done with his chores, Ludwig runs over to him and tells him what he saw, Feli laughs, but Feli isn't interested in butterflies, sure he tolerates when Ludwig talks about it but he always looks bored</p><p>"Yeah" Feli then he changes the subject, but Ludwig swears he saw a butterfly he saw it by the lending library, he swears he did and then they go out to play</p><p>-</p><p>"You ever wonder about the moon and all that" Feli says, balancing on the edge of the old bridge, Feli is always doing things that make Ludwig wonder if he will fall and get hurt, it makes Ludwig so anxious to watch him, but Feli always manages to stay on his feet, Feli looks up at the sky "what's up there"</p><p>"Uh huh" Ludwig says, he hasn't thought much about the moon before but because of Feli he's thinking it now</p><p>"They say it's all dust and rocks up there" Feli's eyes are falling on the moon, even though there is no moon visible and it's the middle of the day, he's staring at the moon, where it would be "Lovi says it's made of cheese" </p><p>It would be fun to laugh at that but Feli looks so serious that Ludwig doesn't "but I don't know, I've never been there" and somewhere in Feli's eyes is the moon, all of the dust and rocks, and cheese or whatever's up there" </p><p>In the middle of the city on the old bridge in the middle of the day but Ludwig closes his eyes and imagines he's on the moon</p><p>-</p><p>Everyday when Feli is doing his chores, and Ludwig is waiting for him to finish them</p><p>Ludwig likes to wander back to the lending library again and look through the little window, there's never anyone inside he would wonder if the place was abandoned if not for the open sign in the front door and the door mat that keeps changing every other week, he thinks about going in but he holds back because he knows he doesn't have any money</p><p>Plus if you go into places and your a kid people think your trying to steal something</p><p>He's looking through the window, he's trying to read one of the covers when he jumps</p><p>"Hey! You there!"</p><p>He turns around, the door of the lending library is open a man is staring at him looking mad, he’s holding a broom in his hand</p><p>"What are you doing standing around here? Are you one of those kids that keep stealing the welcome mat?"</p><p>The man is short, his hair is strawberry colored but his eyes are serious and blue, he looks young but he also looks old, his hands are on his hips and is broom is poised like a weapon ready to shoo Ludwig away at any moment</p><p>“I-Uh..No" Ludwig doesn't know what to say "I'm just looking..." he notices his hands are pressed against the glass</p><p>"Just looking huh, yeah right?" the man is not convinced, "I like looking at the books" Ludwig says trying not to show how nervous he is, he keeps his hands in his pockets "that's all" The man looks a little bit less upset but Ludwig knows that with some people that can change very quickly </p><p>The man's face is softer</p><p>"I can leave if you want" Ludwig says, but the man pipes up, but he keeps his broom at his side "No, no" the man says and he opens the door  "well if your going to look might as well come inside"</p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig isn't sure why the man hasn't run him off by now, and how to tell him he has no money, but he's already inside</p><p>The man tells him to look around and so Ludwig does, there's more books inside, shelves and shelves of them, more than he's ever seen before covers in all kinds of covers and all kinds of titles, one of them catches his eye, he's about to reach for it then he remembers and looks back at the man who's still watching him</p><p>"Go ahead" he says but still watches him</p><p>"I don't have any money" Ludwig says "sorry" but the man says it's okay, so Ludwig pulls the book from the shelf and flips through it, it's old and dusty but it's magical to hold it in his hands</p><p>And then he's lost in it for a few brief seconds he's not in the lending library or anywhere, he's somewhere between the earth and the moon and nothing matters not Gilbert, not Feli, or anyone</p><p>But then he looks at the clock and realizes Feli will be done with chores soon, "I have to go" he says and he puts it back on the shelf, but he'll come back tomorrow he tells himself, tomorrow</p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig comes back the next day and reads some more, it's not about butterflies but it's still interesting, he's always been drawn to plants and the idea of them, their colors and stems and their many leaves, some of the words are really complicated but he tries to understand it</p><p>The man watches him, he doesn't talk a lot, but time goes on and he seems to trust him more, and sometimes he talks about things, about this and that</p><p>His name is Oliver and he owns the place, has for some time now, way before Ludwig was born (he laughs about that, and Ludwig isn't sure why, adults are always laughing about stuff like that) Oliver remembers when all of the shops next door were open and new, he used to have neighbors, but it's been so long it's all old and run down now</p><p>When Oliver says that he looks tired and ancient just like the bridge</p><p>When Ludwig isn't reading, Ludwig likes hearing Oliver talk about how things used to be, about the time when all of the broken stuff used to work before Ludwig has ever known anything this part of the city was beautiful and new and but then before he could see it fully it “lost its luster”</p><p>"We didn't know how good we had it" Oliver says and sighs "you should have seen it" but Ludwig can see it, just not like Oliver saw it "this street was lined with shops, people coming in and out, this was the place to be"</p><p>Sometimes Ludwig tells Oliver about butterflies but Oliver isn't as interested in butterflies as he is in the way things used to be, it always leads back to that</p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig tells Feli about the lending library but Feli is thinking about other things, they're going to play marbles with a friend who used to go to Feli's school but who couldn't go anymore and left, he doesn't live too far from Ludwig</p><p>Feli has a bunch of marbles in his pocket, marbles are a fun game, he says, you collect them and they come in all kinds of colors</p><p>Ludwig only has 1 or 2 marbles he's found in the street, his prized possessions a swirly one in rainbow colors and a yellow cats eye, at first Feli wanted to trade with him but Ludwig would never trade them, they mean too much</p><p>Now they're waving to Raivis, Raivis is always a cheerful sort just like Feli, his hair is curly and blond and he has freckles all across his face, like someone splashed them on him like paint, sometimes Ludwig wishes he had freckles sometimes and he's jealous</p><p>Raivis says he used to live way out on a farm, somewhere very far away but then he had to move to the city </p><p>It’s strange to think of places beyond the city</p><p>Raivis sighs and says there’s too much rain here and not enough sun, if there was more sun everyone wouldn’t walk around all sad and pale all the time</p><p>Feli and Ludwig sit and play marbles with Raivis for a bit, Ludwig stays quiet when Feli is around Raivis because he isn't ever sure what to say, Raivis and Feli seem like such good friends already he doesn't know if they need him around</p><p>On evenings like this, they always play for a while until it gets late and Raivis's brother comes out and tells Raivis it's dinner time and everyone has to go home</p><p>Feli says Raivis's brother is a spoil sport when Raivis isn't around to hear him say it, Ludwig doesn't know Raivis or his brother well, he only knows the looks Raivis's brother gives him when he’s over there look like he's trying to figure something out</p><p>-</p><p>Ivan pulls them both aside after work, he’s been looking at them all day, and now Gilbert and Erzsébet know why</p><p>"I heard what you were saying" his arms are crossed "why were you talking about me?" he’s trying to seem calm but Gilbert seems through it, Ivan is furious</p><p>Gilbert looks at Erzsébet,, Erzsébet looks at Gilbert, and shrugs "None of your business" Erzsébet says because she's brave, and because she’s brave, she starts to walk away and leave it at that, Gilbert is about to follow but he’s too slow and Ivan grabs his arm</p><p>"What the hell-Let me go!" he shouts and his instinct is to fight hard out of Ivan’s grip, but he holds back knowing that is a very stupid idea</p><p>"I'm not done yet" Ivan says calmly but not calmly because there’s a razor sharp edge to his tone </p><p>Gilbert wants to have the courage to face Ivan and kick his ass, to beat him, to show Ivan he’s not the boss but the grip on his arm is sending his brain spinning, and he only stands there useless like a deer in headlights</p><p>"Hey! Let Gil go!" Erzsébet dives in between them, and she looks Ivan in the eyes cold, angry, and challenging "you want a fight I'll give you one!" she says as brave, Ivan’s grip tightens to the point it hurts</p><p>But he doesn’t hit her, as ever Ivan, he lets Gilbert go</p><p>"I don't want a fight" he says, "I just wanted to talk" he shakes his head and walks away without saying goodbye</p><p>Gilbert’s arm hurts the entire way home but he can only think about how Ivan’s fists were still clenched when he walked away</p><p>-</p><p>Oliver always talks about how it was before, but he never talks about his family, if he has a family, what they were like, or about the old photograph hanging up on the wall</p><p>It's of Oliver and a boy Ludwig's age, but the boy doesn't look like Ludwig, he has a toothy grin and crooked glasses, hair that wasn't kept and a patched up cap, Oliver never says who the boy is, so Ludwig never asks, </p><p>He just listens to Oliver talk about the way things used to be when they were new and that is that </p><p>Sometimes Oliver is talking and let's something slip, he’ll look at the portrait and he’ll say something sad and wistful like "Ah I remember when Matthew was little..."</p><p>Then he doesn't say who Matthew is, he never says who Matthew is and Ludwig doesn’t want to make Oliver sad by bringing it up</p><p>-</p><p>Gilbert has parted ways with Erzsébet, he was quiet after their run in with Ivan, he let Erzsébet do most of the talking because his head is spinning around too much, nothing makes sense, why did Ivan hold back?</p><p>He stops, leans against a lamp post while he tries to make his head stop spinning, there’s things he doesn’t want to think about, memories he doesn’t want to have around, that he just wants to forget, Gilbert wouldn’t have held back, why did Ivan?</p><p>He closes his eyes, draws in a deep breath he knows he has to get home but his legs feel useless and weak, whatever is in his head makes him dizzy</p><p>Then he's remembering, heavy footsteps, an awful silence, an angry door </p><p>He feels the place on his arm that Ivan gripped tightly, that’s gonna bruise for sure, he starts walking again but his steps are unsure and shaky, he smiles thinking he must look drunk walking like that</p><p>-</p><p>Ludwig finds something shiny on the street, he bends down and picks up an old penny, it's old and nasty but it's also perfect, he pockets it and skips the way to the lending library</p><p>-</p><p>Gilbert opens the door and everything is off, he's stumbling around but he isn't drunk but it feels like it, it feels confusing and blurry and dizzy, Ludwig is sitting on the couch with a book is in his lap, it’s such a big book for a small boy since when did he read big books with no pictures like that when he used to be so small</p><p>Gilbert shakes his head trying to figure understanding of everything but it's all confusing</p><p>"Hey, Lud" he says and he sits beside Ludwig hoping Ludwig will know how to make sense of things in the sweet way he always does, he’s always so affectionate to Gilbert always hugging and refusing to let go when he comes home "how are ya doing?"</p><p>But Ludwig doesn't look up "Good" he mutters and then he’s staring at his book again, Gilbert stares at the old broken TV and he’s trying to think of something else to tell Ludwig, maybe a lesson or something useful like that but he can't think of anything</p><p>Ludwig is so different now, he’s reading big books and he’s not jumping up and down when Gilbert comes home, he doesn’t even smile, and when he looks at Gilbert it’s not to tell him about the butterflies or something cute and very Ludwig like that, he’s a million miles away </p><p>And even if Gilbert tried to ask him if anything made sense nothing would make anymore sense.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if its not clear feli is trans</p></blockquote></div></div>
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